I’m happy for her, though I am also sad too… She has been a part of my life for so long. I always knew this will happen and I thought I’m prepared for it but each time I think about it, I can’t stop my tears. All I could do is divert all my attention into getting a better life.
All I could wish is for her not to feel the same thing I’m feeling.
Johann Pachelbel’s Canon is a classical piece made popular by the movie “Sassy Girl”. This piece can be played using different instruments like the violin, the piano or even the electric guitar.
I’m not really a music guy, but for some strange reason I started practicing this piece in my organ. I have no formal piano lessons so it was really tough for me to learn it. Half way through I realize why I suddenly got the urge to practice. I want it to be a birthday present for a very special person. I practiced hard. Sometimes I stay up late so no one will bother me. Even when my dad got hospitalized I used the opportunity to practice using the hospital’s lobby piano. In the end, I managed to perform it for her.
Until now I play the Canon whenever I fell lonely. It enables me to express my loneliness in the form of notes. The repeating harmony reminds me to continue despite the hardships and heartaches. Learning this piece helps me to make a stronger bond with my fragile heart so I can hold it up together.
Nakaka-asar naman. Sumasakit nanaman ang dibdib ko. Though dapat isipin ko na ok lang ang lahat, di ko maiwasan na isipin na kasalanan ko ito. Kung bakit ayaw at hindi pwede… hayz… lalo na pagnababasa ko un… damn.
Sabi nila sa akin dati, mature na daw ako pag dating sa pagibig. Lalo na dahil natutunan ko na yung tinatawag nilang “unconditional love”… pero bakit ganun? Bakit di ko maiiwasan isipin na sana akin ka na lang… di naman talaga ako greedy… ngayon ko nga lamang naramdaman ito eh… sanay na ako tumulong sa iba, but this time I’m getting the feeling na sana may tumulong din sa akin. Dati ok lang na makakita ako ng couples, but as I watch my friends’ “love lifes” bloom, I’m getting the feeling na wala pa talaga akong alam… na kahit magaling ako magbigay ng payo sa iba, tanga ako pagdating sa sarili ko. Nagsisimula na tuloy akong maawa sa sarili ko kasi ako mismo ang naglilikha ng sakit na nararamdaman ko. It’s not your fault… di ko naman hiniling na mahalin mo ako… pero siguro di ko lang naiwasan na magexpect. Siguro yun nga ang dahilan kaya ko nararamdaman itong sakit na ito. Honestly, sumagi na sa isip ko na di ko na kaya and tama na, tapusin ko na ang lahat. Buti nalang mg nagsabi sa akin: tingin mo ba maawa siya sayo dahil diyan? Tingin mo ba magugustuhan ka niya sa gagawin mo?
Nanglalata ako… nanghihina… di ko na alam ang gagawin ko… di ko na alam ang iisipin ko… wala akong magawa sa pagtulo ng luha ko habang sinusulat ko ito…
Love is a subject that no human can master in a lifetime. The human psyche is like a pendulum that after you thought that you have already moved on, you will reach to that point where you will realize that you have to swing back. I myself experience those things. Whenever I realize that there is no way she can love me, my mind turns blank. Walking for hours and hours in a place trying to find something (or someone) that can steer me back on course. It is the point where selfishness and acceptance engage war inside by fragile heart that is already confuse whether to slowdown or speed up. Sometimes, I just found myself one morning eating a complete chocolate diet (chocolate syrup on pancakes plus hot chocolate) just to fill my body with glucose to compensate for the energy that I loss thinking what I should do next. Ironically, I sometimes found myself in the local gym releasing all my energy that I build up until my body and mind gets exhausted and stop thinking about her. Heartbreak is like an Anaconda that coils you in the chest and slowly squeezes the life out of you. The pain similar to a Myocardial Infarction (heart attack) where it feels like someone is standing on your chest. I just hope there is a medicine for heartbreak too. Something that can release all the emotions until I become a blank canvass, because only until I become one, will all the pain go away. They say there is such medicine… LOVE. Now life can’t get more ironic than this! It is a love-pain-love cycle which I am very tired of. If only I can find a way to break that cycle, but until now I haven’t so I guess this pain of mine will continue on…
They say that “you know you’re in love when you can’t fall asleep because reality is finally better than your dreams” but is it always that way? The word “love” is often idealistic and because of this, it hurts most of the time. Maybe the reason why you “can’t fall asleep” is because of the pain it brings in your chest. It feels like life is being slowly squeezed out of you. You may want to scream but all you can do is open your mouth wide but hold back your voice so no one will hear. It hurts so much that you may not bear it anymore.
Reality is often cruel for those who love too much. I can say this because I’m one of them. I may have many crushes but only a few persons really made me fall in love. I love them with all my heart but sometimes I can’t be sure if this is still correct. Some says that since I love too much I tend to forget to love myself and honestly I think they are right. I don’t know why but that’s what I really am, a fool trying to get few attentions of goddess and maidens by risking all I can. One “girl” friend of mine told me that she thinks that I am “too nice” that’s why I haven’t got a girlfriend. Another told me that I have that “true-friend potential” but never had that “lover’s potential”. I’m not so sure of what they mean nor what HIS plan for me is but I just hope I can still hold on to that thin line of sanity I’m holding to. I just hope that if that “right girl” for me comes, she still have a heart to love because I’m starting to feel that this is really my destiny, to be alone, and maybe it is really my fate… “To catch those who fall out of love but destined to fall on my own”…
I now realized that even though how much time you spent planning a certain gig, not everything would go smoothly. Last Saturday was my goddess’ birthday and I have many plans for her that day.
Let us have a little flashback… After my very successful “Valentines Delivery Boy” plot, I decided to make some plans for her birthday (since that plan was really for her birthday and I just advanced it). I have come up with 2 very weird but I think are really sweet plans. Unfortunately, for these plans to work she need to have classes which she have not (stupid me to think that her classes can reach till April :-Þ). About 2 weeks before her birthday, I haven’t decided what to do yet. It’s a good thing that I bumped to Justin Dela Cruz and he gave me the idea of gathering all her friends and throwing a surprise party for her. When I tried to contact some of her friends (about 3) all of them does not gave an answer. So I have been thinking for some days if I should push through with this. When my first answer arrives (I believe that was from Lilet) I started a wave of text messages gathering as much contacts as I can. (Example: when one cannot come, I just ask if he/she have cell phone number of this and this.) Out 20+ people… only 6 can come. Me and Haidee have been working overtime to think about the food the time and the meeting place. I was chatting with Farina getting as much information about her schedule as I can without her noticing which I doubt since morning that day she texted me “Bryner! Wud i be mesing ur plans if i ask u 2 cme at 4pm? Sory ha gulo sched ko 2day haha.” I really thought she know my plan already so I was a little panicking on how to fix it (her girl instincts are too good!:D)
But like what I have said that not all plans go smoothly, things started to get jumbled. Drexy and Frexy cancelled since it was their mother flight that day (wish she had a safe trip), Lilet doesn’t answer my text messages for her, Anna suddenly backed out on the day of the event, and even Haidee backs out. So I decided to text Omar that I’m going to cancel the plan already and Haidee that it’s OK since I don’t like her to miss Jeyna’s recital [but I will still go to my plans even though I’m alone (imagine my nervousness in case that happens!)]. I went to SM, bought the cake then suddenly Omar text me, he is coming! So since it’s just the 2 of us, he thinks of a back up plan. We decided to hatch a plot for Farina to go where we are.I went to the next table and sat behind the pillar. Suddenly out of the blue… Here comes Haidee! We argued a little since we both know that she’s gonna miss Jeyna’s recital so I just decided to come with her after to at least make up for it. It was fun seeing Farina shocked when she saw us as she sat down! We gave her the cake (Chocolate Moose… Yummy!) and just ordered some foods and talk until about 4:45pm…
Sometimes I do forget that God has his own plan for us. That is the reason why I will never get discouraged even if my plan becomes a mess because I know that he wants us to have something better.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY again to my beloved goddess… I wish you all the best!♥
From the start, I know that life isn’t fair. I accepted the fact that we can’t get all we want nor our plans go as smooth as we like them to be. But time and time again fate seems to play a trick on our lives. I never thought that some things which have very null possibility of happening do happen quite a lot.
I once wished that if God would give trials or punishment to those people I love, that he transfer half of them to me. I hate to see them suffering because it hurts me too, so I ask him to directly give it to me instead. But then, I realized that it is not possible. He has plans for all of us and all we need to do is understand his message.
Now, I ask myself. Is this his message? Is this what he really planned or have I stray away again? I understand the principle of “Equivalent Trade”; “The Yin Yang”; and “The Opposites”, but if what happened to her was the equivalent or the effect of the miracle that happened to me… I would rather give that miracle back. I don’t want it! I would rather be alone as long as she is happy. I would rather be the one to be hurt as long as she has that smile on her face. I wish I can do something… but the worst part is I can’t.
I know that you think I’m getting paranoid for thinking in such a way. “Does this guy think he can see God’s plan?” I know that she would think that I’m selfish. I don’t understand why but maybe I am. It’s really funny to think that I’m more affected than her for what happened! Maybe because my feelings amplify the pain and add to that, the revelation that she love someone else. Even though I have already prepared my self long ago for that revelation, it still hits me hard. I’m just human. But I wanted to thank her, for being honest and trusting me and for that I want to do something to at least ease her. I don’t know yet how… but I’m sure there is a way.
“Remember that somehow, sometime; I love you with all my heart and mind. Now and forever I will remain honest; always to you my beloved goddess…”
Last night I never thought a big miracle would happen to me… but it did.
It started like a usual night, silly talks sa YM and Friendster. Then Farina goes online… I asked how she’s doing and how was her vacation in Palawan. We talk about anything that comes under the sun… then suddenly it became a serious conversation. She tried to convince me to let go… but I told her I can’t. I told her that I will wait for her, that I have my whole lifetime to prove to her how much I love her. It goes on and on, until the miracle happened…
She suddenly told me… “I think u really do deserve a chance”. At first I can’t believe it so I look at it again to know if I read it correctly. That’s when tears start to fell… as she told me the details about it (like when, how, and the hurdles I may face as I court her), I can’t help it so I just hugged my pillow very tight and cried over it. I don’t want anyone to hear me. I tried to soften the tension a bit by bringing up other topics but still the mood in the air remains…
As the night goes deep… she went invisible and we talk more. Before we end I just can’t stop thanking her. As I went to bed, I prayed and thank God for everything that happened to me…
Oh my goodness! This is one of the most memorable valentines day I ever had! For those who doesn’t know what happened here’s the story:
Saturday(2/11/06): “I decided to give Farina a gift for valentines. I was on duty so I can’t focus on it too much… When I got home I decide to start doing some part of that gift [It was an Origami plant and flowers on a glass filled with Origami stars(crude description)]…”
Sunday(2/12/06): “After duty, I tried to finish the gift already. I did it except for the case. I decided to try to finish it the next day.”
Monday(2/13/06): ” I bought the materials and tried to finish it on school but that doesn’t work… I try to contact Jamie to ask her if she can deliver it or give me a correct map to Farina’s house but she doesn’t reply where she is… At home, I finish the gift around 11 pm”
Tuesday(valentines): “Many classmates of mine was amazed of my work… some even want to buy it from me! NO WAY! A friend of mine helped me in choosing the gift wrap and another helped me in wrapping it (since the gift wrap is a little small so i decide to use origami to make it fit) and she also told me that it would be much better if I also give a card (she help me pick a good one too… something that is really in my attitude…)… I’m not good on writing letters (though I’m a poet I suck on expressing my feelings sometimes) so it took me an hour and half to finish it. I still can’t contact Jamie but it’s a good thing that a batch mate of mine (Arman) knows her house and gave me a spot map. After class, I decide to fix myself a little and go on my way… At Lagro, I was very nervous but I did keep myself intact. I ready all my props and costume (as a delivery boy) since i thought Arman’s map is precise… It wasn’t! It so happened that he forgot to put 1 more street on the map so I was walking around Lagro trying to figure it out (I remove my costume since it’s a little hot). It took me 30 minutes and 6 wrong houses to find out that I have to be on the other street. When I finally was the house… put on my costume and rang the doorbell. I said that I was a delivery boy and I have a delivery for Farina Salvador (just imagine my nervousness when I was in front of the gate). When I realize that it wasn’t Farina whose answering the door I got my props out (a folder with some signatures on it). It was her brother who opened the gate (I thought that he would answer in a firm voice but I I was amazed how calm his voice is…) and receive the gift… I let him sign the folder. As he is signing I think i saw 2 girls behind a door screen. thinking it might be Farina I intentionally hide a little so I won’t blow of the act. When her brother is finished I greet them a happy valentines and went home. My acting was so convincing that a neighbor of Farina thought I am from the Post Office!:Þ In my house I decide to get online and send my countdown valentine on her Friendster. Around 10-11pm, Farina got online and we talk about what happened (here is where my crying starts…) I was VERY VERY touched on what she said that I cried until we got off line and 30 minutes more when I went to bed thanking GOD on the very successful and one of the most touching thing he done for me.”
Napakatanga ko… sa tagal ko nang kinopya ang iyong pahayag, ngayon lamang ko lang ito nabasa… Alam ko na gusto mong wag nang magsalita ang sinuman na hindi mo sinasabihan non… ngunit hindi ko kaya! Habang binabasa ko iyon ay kulang nalang suntukin ko ang monitor na nasa harapan ko ngayon upang hindi ko na ito mabasa pa… Nagngingit-ngit na ako sa galit! Galit na galit na ako sa lalaking hindi ko kilala pero alam kong sinaktan ka. Para kasing sinaksak ako sa likod nang malamang sa kabila ng mga ngiti mo ay hindi ko nalaman na naghihirap ka na pala. Siguro nga tama ka ng sabihin mo sa akin noon na hindi pa kita kilala, at walang basehan kung ano man ang mga sinasabi o “nararamdaman” ko. Gusto kong tulungan ka, ngunit wala akong magawa… Naaasar tuloy ako sa sarili ko dahil sa kabila ng lahat ng mga sinabi ko wala akong magawa. Masakit saking malamang lumuluha ka… Alam ko ang pakiramdam! Dahil ganyan ako tuwing gabi sa loob ng ilang taon, tuwing naiisip ko na hindi kita pwedeng makasama. Wag sanang pahintulutan ng diyos na gumawa ako ng hakbang na maaring masaktan ka o kung sinuman “siya” na mahal mo. Ayoko’ng gumawa ng ano mang maaring magdagdag sa paghihirap mo. Alam kong matagal mo na itong sinulat o sinabi ngunit sigurado parin ako na nasasaktan ka parin sa tuwing maaalala mo yon. Ngayon palang baka nga nagkamali na ako nang ginawa ko ito kaya pasensya na. Gusto ko lamang tulungan ka. Sana nga lang malaman ko kung paano ka tutulungan. Mahina ako pagdating sa mga ganyang bagay. Pero ayoko’ng isipin mo na ginagawa ko ito dahil naaawa ako sayo or nagmamakaawa ako. Ginagawa ko ito ngayon kasi gusto kong gayahin kung ano ang ginawa mo… Ang sabihin kung ano man ang nasa loob ko. Nabubuwisit ako kasi marami akong gusting sabihin ngunit hindi ko masabi. Hindi ko alam kung pano sasabihin o kung pano ilalabas sa puso ko. Naninikip ang dibdib ko habang sinusulat ko ito. Pero ngayon, masnasasaktan ako kasi pakiramdam ko masbale wala na ako sayo… Kung baga, kung ano man yung nalalabing konting pagasa sa puso ko (na galing sa mga suporta ng aking mga kaibigan) ay wala na…
Alam kong maaaring bale wala lang sayo ang lahat ng mga sinasabi ko… Siguro nga baka naisipan mong wag nang basahin ito nang ito’y iyong bukasan at burahin nalang. Pero wala akong pakialam. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang mararamdaman o sasabihin mo sa akin. Ngunit wala na rin akong pakialam. Ayoko’ng guluhin ang isip ko upang subukang alamin kung ano ang magiging reaksyon mo. Siguro pagkatapos nito lalong mawawalan ako ng pag-asa sayo, na maaaring wala naman sa simula palang. PERO!… pero ayokong isipin mo na nagiisa ka. Maraming nagmamalasakit sayo. Maaaring wala nga akong magawa sa mga pasanin mo… Pero kahit papaano, nais kong pagagaanin ang loob mo sa pamamagitan ng… BWHA! Relax ka lang… nakasimangot ka nanaman eh! Tatanda ka agad nyan!:)
Alam ko… ANG GULO KO NOH?! Pero sigurado ako sa sasabihin ko… MAHAL KITA!… hangang sa mawala ako…
-A reply to a goddess…
